Sure, life had become much more divergent than it had been, living in a sleepy town under my parents roof. But walking back tonight in the cold from a bonfire to my apartment, it had hit me: this new freedom in my life, marked by the responsibility of being home at considerable early times to sleep to attend unreasonably early classes was much more lonely and difficult than it was a year ago. At least then, I had to sneak out of my house to see you and everything was a thrill. Now, I can walk out of the house at any hour of the night upon my own whim with no repercussions other than a double shot of espresso the next day before class. And now that it is perfectly acceptable for me as an adult to come and go in my own house at any time I please, I have no one to spend this time with. I spend my time instead, recollecting on nights I spent with you, nights I shouldn’t have spent with you, nights I wanted to spend with you. Life then was, easier. Simpler. Of course, it has it’s own degree of simplicity now I have acquired by age, but back then, I had you. Or rather you had me at your disposal and I wanted you desperately. “Don’t get attached” was the constant reminder uttered against lips: a rather fucked up memento to instill in me as I came to your every beckon and call. Too young to date, not too young to sleep with, not too young to put me under the assumption that I stood a chance. Never too young to hold, to kiss, to trace your soft fingers in the small of my back. I wasn’t too young to spend a night overlooking the ocean as the sun rose with the sound of the waves crashing on the shore seventeen stories below us while everyone still slept. I hate you for that. I hate you so much. I writhe at the fact I still waste nights losing sleep over you as I twist in my slumber under your touch in my dreams. It’s not that you weren’t an important part of my evolution from then to now. You were a very impressionable person in my life. From the first time, the last time, all the times in between, and all the times I would have liked there to have been.
I want to apologize for being so absent these past few weeks. I have been incredibly overwhelmed with the anniversary and work and I honestly did not want to put my foot in my mouth more than I already have. Still, I shouldn't have excuses. I should be there for you and I haven't been. I'm sorry.
I noticed you’ve been a little distant lately. But you have your reasons, so it’s okay. I understand. A lot of stuff has changed since we last spoken. Hopefully you can come over soon and we can have some girl time. God knows I need it. I love you.